Macca to rocka the bowl

In safer news, Paul McCartney has agreed to perform during the Super Bowl halftime show. Remember when the Beatles were controversial? Me neither! Macca's old and snore-y now, light years away from the eXXXtreme flash-fests we gen X/Y-ers are accustomed to! I mean, the man may be a legend, and I'll admit that he's one of my all-time personal favorites, but he ain't even got boobs! We can only hope and pray that Ashlee Simpson and Maroon 5 agree to join in on a rap-rock version of Hey Jude.

posted by Dennis @ 7:52 PM 0 comments  

Worst Headline? Malice at the Palace

What's that you say?

Malice at the Palace???

Malice in the Palace would at least take advantage of the 1949 Three Stooges movie title of the same name, however, it turns out sports journalists just aren't very clever.

As bored as I keep telling myself I should be with the whole exploit in Detroit (or should I say, the cheap thrills in Auburn Hills!), I sure the heck keep watching that clip every single time it's on. And I don't just watch it; I examine it. I pick out a new crazy fan each time and follow that fan for the duration of the shot. Later, I write a short story about the person's life and where I believe they'll be in five years. Not really.

While the footage never disappoints, the opinions and analyses are driving me up a wall. I find myself relieved whenever ESPN jumps from the topic, only to instinctively assume the next highlight will feature an uproarious fan-player riot. It never does.

posted by Dennis @ 7:26 PM 0 comments  

Pistons lose, people get punched in face

HA!

Take that, Indiana Pacers!

I suppose you'll think twice about beating our beloved Detroit Pistons in a basketball contest again! What's that? You want to foul our Ben Wallace with 45 seconds left!? Prepare to get a bunch of stuff thrown at you! That's what we do. Handle it! No one ever said we Detroit fans are civilized or "rational." In fact, I own many t-shirts that state the opposite. We know nothing of appropriate behavior, or proper conduct. We know only survival! And to survive we must project food and beverage containers in an attempt to harm professional athletes. ROAR! Beware!

Seriously, what the heck was that all about? I'm glad you asked. The most obvious answer is that the man who threw his drink at Ron Artest, inciting the whole riot, was planted by none other than... Ron Artest! That's right. What better way to get some much-needed time off to promote a rap album than to be suspended from the game indefinitely for cold-cocking several unruly Detroit fans! Mission accomplished.

The other theory--and this one is running a close second to the Ron Artest time off conspiracy--is that Detroit basketball fans and Indiana basketball players are retarded. More on this theory as it develops.

I've seen the same clip about seventy three times since last night. Here is what I can tell from that few minutes of footage:

• A guy throws a cup at Ron Artest and he goes insane! The guy who threw the cup looks like he's thinking "YEAH! I'm so awesome for throwing my cup at that butthole Ron Artest. I can't wait to tell every--Oh my god, he's coming after me! Holy cow I'm in trouble! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Mr. Artest! No, no! Please don't--YOWEE!" And then he gets totally creamed by rapper Ron Artest.
  
  
• Stephen Jackson doesn't even know what's going on. He's just looking to punch a lot of people.
  
  
• After successfully defending himself by tearing through several rows of seats to destroy the cup-thrower, Artest continues to "defend" himself by leisurely walking the court and determinedly punching any person who makes eye contact with him.
  
  
• Piston fans hate popcorn.
  
  
• Jermaine O'Neal, afraid that his teammates might think him wimpy, adopts Artest's arbitrary sucker punch approach and falls down, because he's not very good at it.
  
  
• The Palace has no security.
  
  
• A guy throws a chair at the Pacers and, upon impact, another guy pumps his fist in the air and appears to holler "YEAH!" the way one might when a popular basketball player slam dunks the basketball in the midst of a game.

The question that most of the Detroit media will be looking to ask and answer several thousand times in the coming days and weeks is: What does this do to the image of Detroit? The answer? Shut up! It maintains the image of Detroit. The national expectation is that things like this happen in Detroit. Guess what? They do!

posted by Dennis @ 3:47 PM 0 comments  

Tigers sign Percival to two year deal

Let the dealing begin.

posted by Dennis @ 4:15 PM 0 comments  

You've been sacked!

When will the networks learn?!? People who watch football DO NOT like naked women!

Desperate apologies for a naked promo

"Millions of viewers tuning in to the Eagles-Cowboys game saw Sheridan and Owens talking in the Eagles' locker room, with Sheridan wearing only a towel, then dropping the towel and jumping into Owens' arms. To which Owens said, "The team's going to have to win without me."

"...after a volley of criticism for the sexually suggestive vignette, ABC-TV was apologizing for airing the piece, and Eagles and NFL officials were also panning the promotion, taped at the NovaCare Complex on Friday."

Listen, ABC, please stick to more hetero promotional techniques, like persuading the Rams' Torry Holt to cross-dress for a fake fashion shoot during "you've been sacked on Monday Night Football." Tune in next week, when the lame MTV Punk'd ripoff ambushes a suspiciously cooperative Ben Roethlisberger with a mass teabagging from his closest teammates!

posted by Dennis @ 9:42 AM 0 comments  

I am bad at poker

Hey, I know it appears as though this sports blog has taken a turn for the worst, however, I recommend you flop on over to Garage Poker for some real river, err, excitement.

Paul posts his own personal poker schedule, so you can show up and marvel at his hold 'em chops in person.

He also links to this poker odds calculator. I tested it out after playing a few free online games, and I'm even more positive than ever that I shouldn't be playing with Paul. Maybe Scott Stapp. I could probably beat him.

posted by Dennis @ 8:48 PM 0 comments  

Send in the blogs

I've updated my links with some of the sports blogs I've happened upon, or in some cases, that happened upon me. Turns out there's a whole sports blogging world out there. Who knew something as relatively obscure as professional sports would so easily lend itself to the blogsphere. I think this blogging thing might be catching on.

I'll add more soon. Please email me any favorites you have.

posted by Dennis @ 7:16 AM 3 comments  

The Nationals are coming

It's been official that the Expos are moving to D.C. for quite some time, however, it's almost official that their new name will be the Washington Nationals [link via the other D. Proctor].

The Expos may be renamed the Washington Nationals, perhaps as soon as the next few weeks, The Washington Times reported on Friday.

The Nationals are competing against such names as the Senators and Grays. According to the newspaper, the name Nationals emerged as a front-runner after "closed-door evaluation that involved focus groups, marketing executives and polling data."

That's okay, I guess. I don't like it nearly as much as the original Senators, or even the Grays. And I don't like it half as much as anything off of this list of suggested names I just came up with off the top of my head.

• the Washington Waffles
  
• the Washington Castle Greyskulls
  
• the Washington Remember the Pentagons
  
• the Washington Washing Machines
  
• the Washington Watermelons
  
• the Washington Walter Johnsons
  
• the Washington Where Are They Nows
  
• the Washington Walkmen
  
• the Washington Wankers
  
• the Washington Scott Stapps
  
• the Washington Weightless Wonders
  
• the Washington Wait A Minute Mister Postmen
  
• the Washington Willie Nillies
  
• the Washington Wangs
  
• the Washington Wax On Wax Offs
  
• the Washington Pregnant Wallabees
  
• the Washington Districts of Columbia
  
• the Washington Frankenstein's Monsters
  
• the Washington Paper Towels

posted by Dennis @ 5:35 PM 0 comments  

I'll trade you one Pistons championship for 20 electoral votes

Seriously, anyone want to make that trade? Okay, 18! I'm willing to go as low as 18.

The Pistons kicked things off with a win. Let the healing begin.

Antonio McDyess was ejected from last night's game and fined 5 big ones for kicking the ball after a foul call. Hey, get used to it, refs! Anty Mc-D's a bad boy now. Step off.

Unfortunately, Larry Brown is a sad boy these days. Coach Brown will miss 7-10 days due to hip surgery. Don't worry, folks! LB's still as cool as they come. The operation was to correct a prior hip replacement, not to tamper with his hall of fame mojo!

Shaq might make his debut tonight. Then again, he might not. He ain't sure yet. Shaq who? Shaq-fu.

In non-basketball news, Garciaparra reportedly told friends he would consider playing second base. Apparently, all of his friends are sports journalists because I keep hearing and reading about it in the sports news. This move would allow the New York Yankees (or, as eleven-year-old me would say, the Screw Dork Skankees) to aquire him, and move one step closer to their goal of fielding an entire team made up of insanely, wealthy, superstar-shortstops, playing out of postion.

The NHL canceled the all-star weekend. Not because of the lockout, but because it's stupid and nobody pays attention to it anyway.

Something happened in soccer. I don't know. I don't get it.

posted by Dennis @ 4:38 PM 0 comments